Kim Kardashian

Over the last couple of weeks, I have received this article and its analogies in my mailbox: Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg Leaves Work at 5:30. Should You? - with comments like "hey, work life balance isn't impossible", or "hey, there are people who can do it all", "its only about wanting", "prioritize your life".

I think this is pure BS. Bay Area is competitive. There is no way you can get off work at 5:30pm and yet reach where Sandberg has reached. I have done this, and so have some of you. And you know how the jungle rises to grab your place the moment you step out. Oh sure, you can leave 'office' at 5:30pm, but you are kidding if you say you leave 'work' at 5:30 and yet are climbing ladders. And working from home is not being with kids, folks. You are tuned into work; so don't say you are with kids.

"So why don't you just delete the mail and move on?", you will say.

I can't because these half truths hurt. This image that folks like Sandberg, Palin, Michele Obama are portraying: "Women who do it all" is hurting. "Look at us", they say, "We can have these high flying ambitious careers, look amazing, and yet be around for our family and hold everything together wonderfully." Left unsaid is - So can you, if you just try. And suddenly all those moms who are exhausted from holding down a job, getting through homeworks and soccer practices, putting dinners on table feel so small and worthless. Feel that they perhaps should be able to do much more... just like these Super-Ladies can. And that is also what everyone else around them think of them.

This is the image that is constantly being bombarded to women: You should be this blackberry toting high flying lady in a suit with an up-hill career path. Have a swim suit model body, eyebrows done, dressed up perfectly with just the right makeup. You should have a Martha Stewart home, tastefully decorated and always neat. Spend time with your kids who by the way must be gorgeously dressed, excelling at school, team sports and piano. You should be connected and tuned into your kids and husband. You have a wonderful real marriage with an ambitious husband. And of course have healthy, organic dinners together as a family. And doing this is just normal, ladies... nothing is out of the park here.

I have friends who are just so overwhelmed with trying to reach this 'expected normal', churning through life, working hard and wondering why they just don't feel happy or satisfied. Even if one does manage to do all of this all without falling apart, there is no contentment at the end. The society and media is always upping the ante, and there will be those cookies you should have baked with your kids.

So ladies, tune out. Find your own life, find what is important for you, and do that. Every time you see such 'do-it-all' blasted at you, put your feet on the ground and think: "Is this really what a normal smart, capable, hard working person can really do?" If not, press the delete button and move on [or blog about it :-)]. But don't take another todo list upon yourself.

Its tough to live on your own terms when there are so many societal pressures and expectations. But its worth the effort because then you are living for what is really important for you. We always forget that this is our own life, and we have only one of it.

I had read this lovely book Kim by Rudyard Kipling back in school. I don't remember most of it. But what I do remember is that in the book there is this Buddhist monk in search of the River of Eternal Happiness. He meets this street urchin, Kim, and they fall into travelling together where Kim kind-of looks out for the simple, innocent Lama. And in the end, the Lama finds his river, but comes back for Kim. Because, that is where his happiness is... inside him... its not an external quest.

Comments

Atul said…
Is there a 'like' button?
me said…
Thanks :)
Assuming you need the 'like' button to click on it... and not to not-click on it. :P
Aruna said…
Snehal, when I first read that article on FB. I was like, this female must be hardly doing all the work that we do. Like rush home after work, make dinner for the family, feed them, bathe them etc.
She must have be having a nanny, who is doing all the work for her, and the only thing that she has to do is show up on the dinner table at 5.30pm :) Which I guess even we can do...only..if.....
Sagar Bhanagay said…
If I were "Barney", I would have said "Challenge accepted" & chased Sandberg/Palin ;-).

But on a more serious note, success is a very over-rated term and often associated with only positions of glamor/power/money.

There are struggles at every level & different people at different stages/strata/cultures/situations are put up with a different bundle to deal with.
Some have struggles of survival, some struggle to overcome ailments/handicaps/shyness/stammer, some to nurture relationships/parenthood, some to balance work-life, or to have an ever improving career or an ever increasing salary/designation, some struggle to break free of oppressive cultures/ways of thinking.
And I see heroes at every stage. Often unsung... But the glossy pages of the media are too few to capture all & quite frankly, they wouldn't sell.

It is always the all-managing, great-looking, power-yielding, charming female who's tagged as successful. So day in & day out the media thrusts only the glamorous or rather glamorized "success-stories" at us. These 1-page stories are often half-truths or summaries & photoshop'd versions of the real picture. But then they sell as the aspirants & wanna-be's consume them like hot-cakes. What sells is dream, not the reality.

I completely agree that Bay area is ruthlessly competitive, but hey, on a lighter note, Sandberg is 42, Michelle & Palin - 48. So there's time ;-).
me said…
@Sagar... agreed.
All I am saying is that folks realize its a 'dream'. Nothing like a ' all-managing, great-looking, power-yielding, wonderful-mothering charming female' exists in reality.
I am not saying that one should not try. Ofcourse you want different things, and you have to balance out between them. We try balancing things different aspects of our lives all the time.
But all I want to say in this blog is that its okay and normal to drop some balls. And don't beat yourself for the dropped balls.
me said…
@Aruna: When you say: "Which I guess even we can do...only..if.....", you are underscoring exactly what I am saying. That these false images make folks think: Actually, I should be able to do this too, only if... and follows a list of self criticism. But the point is that if you have a nanny to do everything, then showing up for dinner doesn't mean much, does it? I am not judging these folks. They have made career a choice in their life and good for them. Its just that they should stop pretending that they are able to do-it-all. Because they aren't.
Dinesh C. said…
Ok, I had to jump in with a comment here. I agree with a lot of things said about everyday super-moms. But, your genericisizing of the do-it-all-career-mom is wrong. I have personally worked with and am friends with a few such women that are high-achievers in their careers but yet have a perfect Martha Stewart home and wonderful kids. We are not talking about Nannies here. I do not doubt if Sheryl works after 5:30 or not (she might be) but the key message here for women (who aspire like her) is that they can achieve the balance if they try. I see a positive side here and not a false image. Thee are a zillion women out there who have found the river with what they do already but for some the river is elsewhere high up. To tell them that they should not look there is wrong.
me said…
@Dinesh, I am not asking folks to not look or not try.
I am refuting this notion: " I do not doubt if Sheryl works after 5:30 or not (she might be) but the key message here for women (who aspire like her) is that they can achieve the balance if they try."
Atul said…
The above posted link is really nicely written. Liked it.

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